Live for today, we'll dream tomorrow
We've got big plans in sight
We'll take this city, and by nightfall
the bright lights are calling
Everything is going our way
Everything is just as we planned
This is our future for what we've heard,
and I've still got your hand
And it feels like, we could last forever
And I'm not doing this alone

As I fourced my way through the crowdes of teenagers in the school hallways, I found that I could not resist the desire to observe the people around me. Despite not knowing the majority of the people who walked passed me, the looks on thier faces, thier mannerisms and behaviors were too beautiful to ignore. Reader, can you imagine how I felt admist a crowd of people? Watching people hug one another upon seeing each other again after a long, but seeming fleeting summer? Drowned out in the crescendo of the flooded hallway's inhabitors, all thier voices filled with such happiness and sincerity? It was a sight to behold.

It seems that everyone had changed since before the summer, before we parted from one another's daily prescense. New haircuts, different clothing, improved attitudes- no one looked quite the same as before. It is now, dear reader, that I am realizing how deeply, how rapidly, adolecense passes away. It is said that high school is where you develop who you really are, and, in a way, that is very true; we learn new life lessons, expand our knowledge, extract our identities from our inner most selves. It is the building, nor the intstitute, that gives way to this magical metamorphisis- it is the people who inhabit it, who breathe life into it's walls.

Concentrated with different people- the kind of people who are malicious, the kind of people who arent. The ones that love to talk, and the ones who perfer to keep to themselves. We encounter different people- people who drift away, and people who you just dont have the connection with that you can tell them everything about yourself, even people who eventually break away from you- or you, them. And amoungst those people are the few, rare jems of whom you can rely on, trust and truly, sincerely love.
It is because of the vast amount of varying individuals who occupy our worlds, those of whom because the partake in our lives and those who are merely our "wallpaper," people whom we do not speak to, nor search for, but simply exist and occupy space, that we slowly, but surely, surface who we are. Amoungst the crowd of fellow human beings, we discover who we are, we lay root to who we will someday be.

It is because of the lessons we learn and the paths we choose that we distinguish who we are, regardless of who we are. The entire world isnt filled with kind people- malicious people, hurtful people, very much exist, and in large number, but they, too, are people. They, too, have some light in thier hearts, scars they carry and love they can offer, if they allow themselves the space and time to do so.

All of us now have before another clean page in the book of our lives. We have a whole new school year ahead of us- time to make new friends, learn new things, find new aspects about ourselves we never knew we had.

I do not know what the future may hold. No, only God knows what lays before me. Even so, I wish to face it with my head held high. Pain is inevitable, and tribulations are sure to come, but omens are not the only thing ahead. Happiness, laughter, experiences and success can be reaped as well, if we allow ourselves to sow the right seeds. Down to the thoughts we think, and the words we speak, we change our futures, That's why, reader of mine, I want you, like I, to perservere and carry on, beliving that the best has yet to come. We have our family who loves us, and our friends who stand by us, and even if they pass away from our sides, we have God. Regardless of what you believe, reader, God is with you. Wherever you are, whatever you do, God is right there, beside you.

So now, with this clean sheet of paper before us, let's write the words to our futures, okay?

When memories fade, we've got each other!
When time and confusion collide
singing, "I hold it all when I hold you."
When friends walk other ways, we've got eachother
I hold it all when I hold, I hold it all when I hold you

-Time and Confusion, Anberlin

When I opened my phone and listened to my voice message, my first thought was 'I should have turned my phone on.' After having heard my friend's familiar voice, I deeply regretted having had turned it off the night before. If I had left it on, I told myself, maybe I would have woken up and picked up the phone.

I knew she was going to leave. I was well aware that she was going to move back to the country where she was born for a long time. Even so, I felt as though the phone call was out of the blue. like a sudden, electrifying streak of lightening in an otherwise perfect sky, it was such a sudden realization that my friend was gone that it didn’t register at first. Only after I began to walk outside with my mother and two younger brothers, an ongoing errand of mine to accompany them as Nicolas, the second oldest of our family, went to his specialized high school preparation class. It was only then, under the morning sky, that I remembered how she had told me that she loved to walk outside. It was only then when I realized that I probably would never walk with her outside again for a very, very long time. I felt a knot in my throat.

The voice message started out odd. Her voice was very high pitch. There was a long ‘ummm,’ before she bid me farewell. ‘I’m just calling to you I’m leaving, and goodbye, and yeah. You’re a very, very, very nice girl, like, really-” she told me, ‘like, the kindest girl on earth, I guess! Cause I never meant a girl as nice as you are. I mean this from my heart.”

As I walked down the concrete sidewalk, staying a signifigant amount of distance behind my family, I replayed the words of her message in mind over the sound of Frederic Chopin’s piano compositions on my iPod. I looked up to the sky and frowned deeply, unable to cry. I still couldn’t believe it. I wanted to call her back, I really did. But I knew I couldn’t- she was already on the plane by then. If I could have called her, I would have expressed the feelings that we’re bottling up inside me, and maybe it’s a good thing I couldn’t call, because part of me believes that had I been able to contact her, the emotions would be too much for me. How could I possibly string all the words into sentences? If I had called her, what insurance would I have that the words wouldn’t rush out of my mouth, too eager to be heard, too quickly for even I to understand?

Dear reader, whoever you are, do you know what ‘goodbye’ means? Do you know the history behind that beautiful word? Yes, many people call it a horrid word, and there are hundreds of people who dread that phrase- but I love it. It’s a word of endearment. Reader, are you sitting by your computer wondering what nonsense I’m spouting? Are you looking at the screen and shaking your head in disagreement? I’ll ask you once again, do you know what ‘goodbye’ means?

I’ve only explained what that phrase of farewell means twice. First, to a close friend of mine, Melissa, who, afterword, told me she was so inspired that she created a story based on what I told her, and the second time to anyone who was willing to listen in my technology class in the last week of school.

In almost every one of the Romance languages, the phrase ‘goodbye’ holds spiritual meaning. Adios, the Spanish word for bidding someone farewell, is a shortened version of ‘vaya con Dios,’ or ‘Go with God.’ The French word for goodbye, Adieu means ‘to God,’ a saying that was before used to signify the desire to meet someone who was leaving your life in heaven. Even the English word, ‘goodbye’ holds meaning- It is the shortened version of the phrase, “God be with you.”

Each word has changed since its original use. Each word has been shortened, translated differently, morphed into a more simple, common noun. But that simple word- didn’t it hold such strong meaning? Even if you, whoever you are, do not believe in God, that word’s meaning doesn’t change- no matter what language, ‘Goodbye’ has been the universal wish for the best for the person who is leaving your side. When the first inhibitors of this world said that word, they must’ve meant it with such love, with such sincerity, that those feelings are reflected down to the very origin of the word.

I once heard a song, long ago, that stated “friends never say ‘goodbye,’” but to my friend, to that person who is so dear to me- that’s what I want to tell her. I want to convey this simple word, and hope that my feelings are transmitted as well. “Goodbye,” I want to tell her, “Because you were so kind. Goodbye, because you always gave me sincere smiles. Goodbye, because when you saw me crying, and running away, you didn’t pry, you just listened. Goodbye, because when I was wary of trusting the people by my side, you showed me through your actions that some people, a rare few, didn’t utter words of malice towards others.”

Her voice message was filled with kind words. Words I'm not going to share in their entirity with you, reader, because I feel that her message should be respected, and thus kept private. Even so, I wanted to share with you these feelings. I dont know what the future has in hold for you, or for me, but I want you to remember what I've written today. Maybe it's insignifigant- maybe this entry was just a fleeting group of words to you, but even so, I sincerely hope that you'll keep this message with you, even if it's in the back of your mind.

But please, reader, I want you to remember, and I want you to feel what I'm feelings- That things sometimes come to an end, but that doesnt mean the story has finished. The 'goodbye' I want to convey to my friend isn't one of the end of our friendship. You understand, dont you? 'Goodbye' isnt the end, it's 'I hope for the best for you, I wish you a good life, I'll never forget you' 'Goodbye' isnt the same as 'this is it for you and me.' No, that's not what it means at all.

Goodbye, Adios, Adieu- do you know what those words mean? They mean 'thank you,' they mean 'I wish you the best,' they mean, with all sincerity, 'I love you.'

To all the people who for some odd and miraculous reason read this journal- the end is coming! *laugh* No, no, I don’t mean that end. I mean the school year. There’s only one year left of school and it’s so deeply saddening! That is, what I’m trying to say is, I enjoy being at school. While I dislike the stress of loads of class work, studies, and tests I like being in school. It’s odd, almost hard to explain. There are a lot of “ugly” things about being in a place filled with different people- words that people say that hold powerful and hurtful influence, smiles that are insincere and disappear once the person of interest has left the room. So many people struggling to find themselves, so many faking who they are to be accepted, and far too many people who live their lives shallowly and ignorant, and are happy to be that way.

Being in a place with so many people, and so many decisions, it’s all so easy to submit yourself to someone’s power, all you have to do is tell them something of worth, and it can be held over your head forever. While a part of me still wants to believe in the best in people, I’ve come to find that I am hesitant to fully trust others. Kindness, however, and trust are two very different things.

But even so, I’m fond of this place. All these people, even the ones who carry such impure motives and thoughts, have become precious to me- even if I have yet to speak to any of them. Aside from my friends, the people in the background are so…important! They fill the building, and carry on with their lives, and so we are all made different, and yet connected. Because, in a way, we all know each other- even if it has to be as a friend of friend of friend.

Knowing that everyone has their own mindset, and individual ideals, and seeing how we vary so greatly, I can freely walk through the halls and think to myself: yes, this is where I want to be. Amongst all these people, I’m making my own way, and my footprints will forever remain on these floors. Beause, if you come to think about it, aren’t empty buildings, empty houses, empty rooms, so sad? Inhabitant, rendered useless, don’t you think they just cry out for someone to occupy them?

Ah, I’m sure what you’re thinking. “Whoa, there, girl, you’re getting a little out of hand there with all this sappy, sentimental stuff!” I know I am. But these words, and being able to write them, make me happy. Letting you, whoever you are, into my world, is just an amazing feeling. It’s so pleasing and calming, and makes me so appreciative to be here. Is that odd? I’m sure it is, but that doesn’t change how I feel. I want to be able to share these feelings and these thoughts with everyone. Maybe that’s why I play the violin, too. Maybe, to some extent, I play it because I want to reach others with the notes I play. My mother says that emotions can’t be picked up through music. Is that true? I don’t want to believe it. Is it just me, then? When I listen to things, I do feel things. I feel happy, or sad, or peaceful, or fidgety- are all these things just me, or are the emotions that the composer felt conveying to me?

Maybe I’m too sentimental. Maybe you don’t, and I, because of how sappy I am, feel these things. But even so, I want to cherish those feelings and moments, and I don’t want to believe that what goes through my mind are only frivolous ideals.

I doubt I will ever play the violin in school. No matter what I feel, no matter how much I want to send my feelings to the people who hear me, I don’t think I ever can. There far too many mistakes I can make, and so much room for improvement. And there are so many people who, I’m sure, will not understand what I’m trying to say through my song.

When I was a little girl, I always looked up to a narrow pathway, aligned with statues, hidden amongst the trees in a nearby community college. I would look up from my car window, as my mom would drive by, and want to see that place for my very eyes. Recently, I’ve been going there every day after my music classes. While I wait for the person who works for my mother to come pick me up, I walk through the construction sight of the community college where I take my lessons and go inside that open-air hall. The black gate reads, “Enter with joy that those within have lived,” and inside are dozens of busts of great and amazing people who changed the world.

There, I set my violin case down, and play for all those people. Thanking them for all they done, for the invention of the printing press, for the first air suspended flight, for whatever grand thing they have done, I play my violin. I slide the bow across the strings and play whatever comes to mind, making songs that I will probably never play again. One-time melodies that will never be hear again, and are felt and gone like the passing breeze.

That in itself is enough for me. I want to cherish those moments, and these days, in my youth and in this school for the rest of my life. I feel nostalgic, even though I’m experiencing this all for the first time, because I know these things will pass. Because no one can stop the passage of time, because you never live through the same second twice, maybe that’s why these things are so precious, because you can never for back.

So, how should I treat this? What should I say? When I play a song, should I say “Thank you” or “Good bye?”

Do you listen to the sound of silence? Do you ever take your headphones off, and turn off your iPod, and listen to the sound of your feet hiting the pavement as you walk home? Do you ever walk down the sidewalk with your eyes closed? Or singing?

In my english class, we were following a theme- society and losing touch with the world, knowledge, curiousity, ourselves. We read Fahrenheit 451- a book about America, in the future, reaching the point where books are illegal and life is lived by watching television your entire life, never talking to one another, wasting away with headphones in your ears. And people laughed and said, "this is stupid, life isnt ever going to be this way!" But it is. Just look- when you go on a train, how many people dont have headphones in thier ears? And how many teenagers today stand around, fixated on texting away on thier cellphones? Why is it that AIM is more popular than a phonecall? How come we dont send mail to our friend's houses anymore, just for the heck of it? Why do kids today need commercials on television to tell them "dont do drugs?"

There's a pesimist out there, and hundreds of people have qouted him. So much so, no one is too sure what he actually said. But we think it sounds like this, "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong, at the worst time." People call it a fact of life- a law. Murphy's Law. But I dont want to think that way- I want to think the opposite instead. I guess it's abundantly clear, then, that I'm something of an optimist. I want to live in a way that I look at the bright side of things, and have hope in the future. I don't want to live in a way where I worry, or fear, when tommorow will come. I'm not saying that bad times wont come- I know they will, they always do. But I'm saying that when they do, I want to clench my fists and raise them to the air and proclaim, "Better days will come!"

I dreamt about this- I dreamt about being on a plane with this girl, and everyone on the plane very calmly said to each other, "this plane is going to crash on the ground." And the girl beside me sighed and told me how dissapointed she way that her life was going to come to an end now.

By the end of thier conversations, I said, "we arent going to crash because I'm here, and God's with me."

By the end of the dream, I said, "You're not supposed to get on a plane and think that plane is going to come crashing to the ground."

By the end of my sleep, I said, "I want to see that girl again."

And I forgot the dream's details. And the dream lost it's color. And I wondered to myself why the entire dream was in Spanish.

The sad part it, there are alot of people like that girl in my dream. Who just accept the end and dont have hope. There are people who simply waste away living in fear. Did you know it is America that is leading the world in suicide rates? When there are children in Africa who are starving, who are skeletons, and they continue living. When there are people is Iraq who walk down the streets and dont know who's going to open up thier jacket and end thier ives- the people there, they get killed by others but they dont kill themselves.

I'm not saying the people who commit suicide dont have the right to because they live in America. They dont have the right to kill themselves because they arent the one's who gave them their life to begin with, in my opinion. But what I am saying is that we drive ourselves to death with our fears. And sometimes while we're still living.

And what do we have to be afraid of? When there are phobias for everything under the sun? If I can drive someone to a panic attack by saying "onomonopia?" Or by pointing out that I'm a female? Or by showing them a cat?

I had a teacher in middle school, whom I knew for a long time. When asked, she told my class she refused to ever buy an mp3 player, or any transportable music player, in her life. Needless to say, my entire class was shocked. They asked why. And I dont think I'll ever forgot what she said. She said, "People spend all thier time with headphones in thier ears, alienated from the world. They loose themselves in what they fixate themselves in being isolated with. Tell me, when's the last time you've heard a bird sing?"

Did you know mockingbirds sing dozens of songs, and each one is distinct? Did you know that Mockingbirds start singing songs from the age of one? Did you know it is believed that they sing the songs of birds that are long since extinct? Did you know that when a mockingbird is looking for a mate, it doesnt stop singing until it gets one? It sings, and sings, and sings and it doesnt give up until it finds a partner who can sing back, and until they find one they sing song after song, each one a different melody.

Did you know that while it sings it's tune of love, other birds, of different species, cheer them on with tweets and tunes?

Did you know Mockingbirds will sing all nightlong, refusing to loose hope until they get what they desire?

And did you know there is a law protecting Mockingbirds because people kill them, because thier songs interrupt thier sleep?

So, what's stopping you from singing?

I'm writing this, blushing, with tears in my eyes. Please do not start worrying about me as you read this- it's for a very silly reason! So nothing is wrong, okay? *laugh*

I....Well it's embarrasing to say, but I'm crying because of an anime I love! Please dont shoot me for being so dorky, but...yeah! I'm watching the show Clannad (by Key, and if you know AIR or Kanon, than you know how sad thier stuff is!)

Clannad is a beautiful show, it's artwork is amazing for an animation and it's wondefully colored. The characters are all very heartwarming and there is a whole bunch of moments in the show that make you laugh! I'm only up to episode 10, though, and almost every episode after the fourth made me cry like a baby. The first story is about a young girl named Fuko, who makes handmade wooden stars so she can hand them out, hoping that the gift will bring people to her sister's upcoming wedding. I dont want to give it away for you though, so I wont say anymore!

But the reason it makes me so sad, is because her story is filled with so much love! And I watch it and I think, "I want her to be happy!" and her hardships are so heavy.

I know, it's very silly of me to be crying and so sympathic over a fictional character, but I always cry during movies, or books, even songs! I cry quite easily, so it's very embarrasing, even in front of my family.

Last year, I wanted to be strong and not cry, ever, in front of people. I thought if I shed tears, it would be my being weak in front of the people I wanted to impress. But I learned, I learned alot of things! And one of those things is that crying can be strength too. And that there are people in this world who, like I did, refuse to cry- and they go through so much pain, but they never cry.

So, I want to cry for those people! I want to help those people who dont cry, and be there for them, and I want to see them cry one day, and let out the pain in tears. And when that happens, I think I'll cry even harder just looking at them! And afterword, I'll blush and we both can laugh because it's silly, or embarrasing, or just because we can.

Yes, that's what I want right now, with this box of tissues right next to me.